There comes a time in every person's life when you just have to let go. An area where we both have a problem, right sweetie?

My bestfriend and I were talking last night about stuff and she made me realize a lot of things. I was telling her a story about this person from the past that I seem to be unbelievably hung up on, then she suddenly goes, you really love him noh? Actually her exact words were "Mahal mo talaga si....." (it seems to have more depth when spoken in filipino) And I was like, "uhh.. thanks ha! Where the hell did that come from?" And she was all.. "Because little things like seeing a place that you know he's been, counting windows on his building or even just simply passing by that damn place give you this feeling of extreme high. And people can actually see it. You seem so happy. Plus there's this factor that you actually cry when you see a picture of him." Okaay.... she was right. But at this point in my life I didn't really need to her to tell me that I love him. I know I do.. But it seems easier for me to deny it to everybody else and especially to myself.

And now I wake up feeling more depressed than ever, I go online and read and see things that I know I shouldn't have. God I just feel so hurt and broken. Can somebody please take this pain away... But I know that no one else can take the pain away except for him. It's like what my professor said, "Sometimes, the person that gives you joy is also the same person that gives you pain"

I have never felt so much pain and hurt caused by a man. Maybe he was doing me a favor by getting out of my life because he somehow thought that he was messing it up so much. But I honestly think that he was clueless. Moron. Ayni said that I should've told him the truth that time when I had the chance and I was like, "Chance? What chance?! He fucking passed out!" okay that cracked us up. Then she said that I should've have told him the morning after. But then the moment already passed.

Arrgh.. My thoughts are all distorted. I need to get my act back together pretty soon because this whole thing is starting to affect my schoolwork. Putangina talaga! I can't take anymore of this.

Ayns... bring on the tabs! hehehe that seems to be our favorite line nowadays.  

Hi all!

I've neglected this blog for the longest time. But i've decided to revive it because i miss my friends here. Especially Caz

Anyhoo, I think my page needs a lot of work and that requires time which I don't really have right now because it's already 4 in the morning and i have to get up at 10 later. But I do promise to work on this blog soon and give you sensible posts and updates about my stagnant life. hehehe

CAZZIEE!!!!! hehehe wala lang namiss kita!

Nakakatamad magupdate dito sa tabulas. Wala naman kasi nagbabasa eh.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.


- from neruda's CIEN SONETOS DE AMOR

<-------------WRItTEN EARLIER--------------->

My bestfriend says I'm in denial when it comes my FUBU. I prefer

"friends with benefits." It's not that I'm in denial or anything, I

know that we're just friends. And I'm not expecting anything.
But the thing is, I'm starting to notice all the warm tingling feeling

he gives me, the smile he puts on my face, the sighs when I think

about him, how happy I am when we're together and how much I miss him

whenever we're not.
Now other people are noticing the twinkle in my eyes whenever he's

around, how he smiles at me and how our eyes "talk" to each other.
This is bad. I mean, it's just bad. We're just friends. I'm supposedly

in-love with someone else. But he makes me happy. And I have to admit,

when it comes to spark, we have lightning. More than what me and

the-guy-i'm-supposedly-in-love-with have. This is stupid.
Stupid but still, it makes me smile. He's the only happy thing in my

life right now. Everything is just STEADY. My life's so boring. I go

to school then I go home, I go to school then I go home. No social

life. But STEADY lang. He gives my life color. He makes my heart jump

and my cheeks flush and he makes me smile and makes my eyes twinkle.

HE MAKES ME HAPPY.
This is bad. But it feels so FUCKING good!
How can something that feels so good be wrong?

<----------EDITED AT 8:40 PM------------->

The guy who owns this place I hangout in at school told me earlier

that he likes me. I was like, "What the fuck?!." And he's asking if I

could be his girlfriend. I was like, "I have boyfriend", which I

don't. He then asked questions like where he lived, where he studies

etc.. etc... I said Makati (referring to the guy i'm supposedly in

love with.) When I was in class already, he kept texting and texting

and texting. God knows where he got my number. I don't even give out

my numbers. So anyway, I've thuought about it and I've decided that I

will not hangout at that place anymore, at least until he leaves. He

works on a cruise ship and he will be leaving again on the 19th.

Setting that aside, I was in a rather foul mood after my english exam.

The hell! My professor made us write 20 stories in an hour and a half.

Well more like an hour because he came late. Who the hell can write 20

full freaking stories in under 90 minutes? It would've been alright if

he were only asking for paragraphs or if he allowed us to come up with

our own topics. But noo... he gave us topics like hemodialysis and the

increasing rates of obesity in children aged 6 - 12! It's supposed to

be creative writing for fucks sake! How the hell can anyone write a

creative story about hemodialysis with all the gross details of its

procedures. Stupid fag assed sonnuvabitch! I only got to write 4 stories. I pretty much failed. Arrr!

I shall stop thinking about that because I do not want to stress

myself. I saw him earlier... he went straight here to my house after

walking his dog. hihi by the way, he's my neighbor.Ü Let's give him a

name... hmm.. RB. why the hell do I need to give him a screen name

for? He won't be reading this. But just in case one of my other

neighbors get to read it. His name is Mike. From this day on, Mike

shall be known as RB in my blogs. RB stands for Rainbow Bright. One of

those Care Bears. Rainbow Bright is his favorite. Ain't he so cute? He

likes Care Bears. hehehe

Okay so I gotta start reading my lectures now. Last day of midterms

tomorrow. Whoopdeedooo!!!!

Ciao!